Browsing Category: Travel

Ten Years in the Making

It has been a year! A decade even.

We started 2010 with the birth of our first child a month before…four years of waiting and wondering if anything we were putting ourselves through would result in being parents.

Ten years later…we have 5 kids. Didn’t see that one coming! Whenever anyone asked about how many children we would have (WHY DO PEOPLE ASK THOSE QUESTIONS?!) my response was “we will take them one at a time” *face palm* We know how that one turned out.

Ten years ago I was a VERY different person.

How could I have NOT changed in the past decade?! No matter what as time marches on things happen and we change with them. In all honesty, I don’t remember much of the past ten years, they’ve all blurred together in a wash, rinse, repeat cycle of babies and bills

I don’t remember what I was even like ten years ago. I was, in some ways still very full of hope and optimism for everything, despite having realized how hard life can hit us and how much it can hurt (hello…infertility and a husband that was sidelined for two years due to severe back pain, and then back surgery).

I still didn’t know what our family would look like, and didn’t really dare to dream. I still saw homeschooling in our future, and definitely not public school. Matthew was still working for my parents and there was nothing in our minds as to that ending.

If anything I have realized the importance of being able to stand on my own two feet. In someways I have become jaded and hardened about the world, and I don’t think of that as a bad thing. I have realized that while I want friends and family around me,  I need to be able to distance myself and do what needs to be done for myself, and not in a selfish way.

I have seen too much to be content to sit with my blinders on, unaware of what is going on around me. I have seen too many families pulled apart, women left scrabbling to provide for their children, too many women sacrificing themselves and who God created them to be, for the idealization of some image as a wife and mother.

For myself, I have made it a priority to grow, to distance myself from the relationships, ideas, and things that are harming me. It isn’t easy: People especially don’t like it when you refuse to play their game by their rules, and there have been a lot of players in my life.

What does the decade of 2020 look like for me?

I have not a clue. The past year has taught me that. I’m sure some would advise that I “vision cast” and write my “5 Year Plan”, but I can’t. All I can do is move forward on whatever path I choose at that moment.

Maybe I’ll finish my Master’s, maybe I won’t. Maybe we’ll move a few towns or states away, maybe we’ll stay right where we are. Maybe I’ll be working full time as a librarian, maybe I’ll be homeschooling a handful of my kids. 

Whatever pathway I’m on I can promise you this; there will be books, there will be quilts, there will be food, there will be my children growing up and out, there will be traveling, there will be making and meeting new {online} friends. There will be struggle, and heartache, and tears, but there will also be growth, and joy, and love.

In 10 years I will be almost 50…I can’t wrap my head around that.

For now though, I wish you all a wonderful New Year, and I will see you in 2020.

An Update from moi…

People! There is so much in my head. SO MUCH!! I’ve not posted in 5 months: I’m much more active on Instagram. I think that’s part of my issue, I really don’t see the point in this space anymore.

TL;DR —> Things are good. Crazy, but OK.
I’m in Grad School and heading this weekend to Paris.

People swear up and down that they still read blogs, maybe it’s just mine. It’s a very defeating feeling to put the effort into actual posts (not just these “Hi! I’ve been gone, here’s what’s happening posts”) and get no feedback beyond Instagram. It’s like….Why bother?

And….It’s a LOT OF WORK putting together a blog post with graphics and all the SEO nonsense. The only reason why I still have this blog (rather than my old blogspot one) is that we use wordpress for the distillery’s website.

I’m trying to get more comfortable with doing videos, because honestly when you disappear for 5 months, there’s a LOT to catch up when you’re typing it all up. Since my 4 year old has my phone, the computer video camera is shite, and I don’t have all day, here’s the bullet list:

  • Surgery recovery has gone well. My getting back in shape has not. I’ve done NADA all summer long. My eating has been sporadically good. I was up to 193, but managed to reign it back down to 185lbs.
    • My scar is still pretty gnarly looking, and it’s stretched some, which makes it wider and not as nice. I don’t think it had anything to do with weight gain, and everything to do with having been stitched up so tight.
  • In the Spring we officially decided on my going back to school to get my Master’s in Information Science School Library. The hypothetical on that is vastly different from the reality of going back to college.
    • I hate it. I don’t like the online aspect. I haven’t done a THING in our house (cleaning or quilts {trying to sell for $$$$} or anything)…it’s in shambles. I’m kinda hoping the husband cleans while I’m gone.
    • I’m not sure if I’m going to continue Grad School after this semester. It’s not hard, I’m fine with the classes. It’s balancing it with all the other STUFF in our life. PEOPLE! I have 5 kids, and all the schedules that go with that, that I’m trying to navigate.
    • If I had an end goal/purpose for it I think I’d be more down for grad school. The whole purpose is for me to potentially work in our kids’ elementary school as the librarian.
    • Ummm…I don’t even know if I want that work load, the cost of going back to school, I can substitute teach and make money and see my kids without the Master’s. New York’s laws are getting more fucked up, and there’s a very real chance that everyone will be coming home to homeschool in the next few years.
  • I’m heading to Paris this weekend with my sister, and a friend of her’s.
    • We don’t speak French. We have an AirBnB. I’m excited and nervous and kind of scared shitless about this whole thing. I usually travel with Matthew, and he’s the navigator. I can’t tell directions for beans.
  • My stress level has gone through the roof. Between grad school, kids, life, finances, all of it. I’ve been grinding my teeth so badly, that I’ve cracked one of my molars and need a crown, which we can’t afford. I have since got a new night guard, hopefully that will help.

I think that about sums it up. If you really want to keep up with me, visit Instagram. I miss this space and writing, but it just seems to be me in my own little corner, in my own little chair.