Tag Archives: Faith

Good-bye Winter, Hello Spring!

It’s been quite a winter! I love winter! I love the cold and snow. I love the coziness of a fire and hot tea and hot chocolate. I have always been sad to see the forced slowness of winter, giving way to the hurried rush of spring and summer. Until this winter.

This winter has kicked my ass!!

It has been a long, hard winter. Between jobs and life changes, illness and injuries, and the over abundance of ice, it has been a slippery slope of what felt like months of failure.

In February, Matthew had an interview where I worked long before kids. The phone interview went OK, and he was asked to come in for a formal interview. Fast forward and the interview was a lot shorter than he expected it to be, and we didn’t know how to take it.

A few days later he had a missed called (on a Friday night at 8pm) from them. What the heck? He called the next day and it was a few hours before they called him back offering him the position. Everything fell into place, and he started the beginning of March.

Through the whole of February and March we have been under a constant state of sickness. I don’t think I’ve been consistently feeling well for more than a few days since Christmas. The kids had a bout of strep in February, when they were on break, and we soon discovered that Henry was SEVERELY allergic to amoxicillin: Full body rash.

We thought everyone was on the mend, but Avelyn kept complaining about a stuffiness, and sometimes pain, in her right ear. I finally took her to the doctor. She was fully convinced that she was just going to go through life partially deaf in one ear (the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree of dramatics). Another ear infection.

Then Monday morning James and Elanor woke up complaining about throats, I looked and we’re back to treating kids for strep again. We can’t win. I told Matthew next year we are going to a hot, sunny beach for a week on their February break.

And me? I’m glad for sunshine and warmer days.

In February we FINALLY, after a full year of going to Albany for Drs appointments, scheduled my Diastasis Recti repair surgery for April 2nd! Of course, winter took it’s toll on me too.

In the Fall, I was right where I wanted to be. I was strong, I was at my ideal weight, all of it was right where I felt good going into surgery, but then insurance denied coverage and we had to start the process again.

Throw in my general mood this winter of feeling beaten down constantly, mentally and physically exhausted from doing and dealing with it all, and the ice, and I was not taking care of myself. I haven’t walked. I haven’t lifted. I’ve definitely not been eating right. And I’ve gained 10lbs. Not where I want to be.

At the beginning of March, I decided I was taking my life back and started lifting again and putting myself back on good eating habits, and as life would have it, I sat on the COUCH with my kids one afternoon and when I went to get up my back went into spasm.

This was nothing like I’ve EVER experienced. When I had my major back issues from the diastasis recti I could work through it, it hurt, don’t get me wrong, but I could manage.

This was something different. I couldn’t sit, I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t bend, I couldn’t walk. For 4 days I was unable to do anything other than lay in bed. It was muscles that abjectly REFUSED to do what I asked them to do. Talk about putting you behind!

Right now though, the sun is shining, the days are a touch warmer, there’s hope in our steps. We might just be making it through this winter after all.

Hope springs eternal in the human breast; Man never is, but always to be blest. The soul, uneasy and confined from home, Rests and expatiates in a life to come.” -Alexander Pope, An Essay on Man, 1733

When Life Doesn’t Go According to Plan….

I can’t seem to get these words out…mostly because I don’t know how to say what I want to say, and it’s not something I want to share with everyone.

Things on the income/employment front have been less than stellar.

We had our usual fair season in August, which was a mess. It rained all week. To the point that the fairground parking lot was closed because of the mud. We lost money this year. Then the following week, after a variety of things (many long standing) Matt quit his job with my parents. Friday is his last day. He has one more paycheck, and then I don’t know.

We won’t starve. We won’t be homeless. God’s got this. All of this I know and yet…

My anxiety has been through the roof. My stress level is sky rocketing. I honestly don’t feel it’s because of us not having any income soon. I truly do feel that it’s a wide variety of things, because I’ve been feeling this way for a while. I’ve just been ignoring it.

We’ve had HUGE changes in our lives. In the Spring we decided to send the kids to public school, because they wanted to go and because I felt I was drowning in homeschooling and failing them terribly (logically I know I wasn’t). Our house has become a huge stress point for me because it is in such a state of chaos from unfinished and unorganized construction projects, compounded by 5 kids. Throw in the looming unknown, and I think it’s just the perfect storm.

All of this to say…I’m not ok. I’m really, REALLY struggling with life right now. I’m trying to see the things that God is pointing out to me and I’m either in such a state of denial that I’m oblivious or I’m just full of pride with how well I’m handling things. Either way isn’t good.

Matt will find a job, or I will. The house projects will get done (Hey…maybe that’s why he hasn’t found a job yet…so that he can help me get our house in order…looking on the bright side). The kids are loving school (for the most part). Life is truly good. I just wish my heart would stop racing and this feeling of panic would go away.

I listened to a podcast (I can’t remember which) and the person being interviewed said something about her struggle when she and her husband were in a season of no income. That she felt like she was supposed to DO something, make money somehow, rather than just sitting back and letting God. BUT God wanted her to just trust in him to provide everything, to not be busy doing.

That’s where I am. Because doesn’t God help those who help themselves? Aren’t I supposed to be the wife/mom who works hard for her family, bringing in an income?

Right now that’s what I’m doing…putting all my entrepreneurial skills to use. Selling the things we don’t need (furniture, electronics, etc) and setting myself up to do several holiday craft markets where I’m hoping I’ll sell my beeswax candles and some other home decor things Matthew and I make. BUT is that what I’m SUPPOSED to be doing?!

We’re still hoping Matthew will get a job interview somewhere. I’ve applied for two different jobs, one of them is a temporary fix, the other is more of a commitment of time, but a perfect fit for me (director of our town library). I haven’t been offered either job, but I’m in a tumult as to which is the right one to accept.

I have no idea….I need God to give me a swift kick in the rear or slap across the face, because I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing or how to decide on anything.

For now….I’m thinking of starting my etsy shop back up and hopefully between that and holiday markets that I’m signed up for we will be able to keep the lights on.